I Didn't Choose This

I'm still reeling from my doctor's appointment last Tuesday... when we discovered that yes, indeed, we are pregnant (not a surprise)... times 2! (DEFINITELY a surprise). 

I don't know whether to be hard on myself for not having adjusted to the news yet (it been almost a whole week already!), or whether it's perfectly natural for this news to take awhile to sink in (after all, it's only been a week). Either way, it's still in the "surreal" category for me.

I had a revelation last week, in one of my many, many moments of dwelling on this life change. One of the reasons this news has been so hard to accept is because I didn't choose this. Do you know, I have led such a wonderfully mundane life, that this is the first major life change that I have not chosen for myself? Some of you who have seen the ups and downs of life will be rolling your eyes... and I'm sure it's not undeserved. Nevertheless, I'm still wrestling with this. 

Don't get me wrong... I already dearly love both of these little babies, and do not wish for the absence of either one. In fact, the technically "high risk" nature of a twin pregnancy is one of the (many) things keeping me up at night. I can't wait to meet these two little ones. I'm having trouble just waiting for my next ultrasound (on Friday) to see them again and make sure everything is still okay!

Despite that, though, I still find myself feeling a little resentful that this wasn't my decision. I didn't even get a vote! (You readers out there with "control freak" running through your minds can just keep that to yourselves). 

I get no shortage of ribbing from friends and family for being a planner, but it's in my nature. I find security in knowing what to expect and having thought out ways to handle contingencies. We were planning on #3, and my goal was actually to have a baby in November (so our three kids would have birthdays in Sept, Oct, & Nov). So neat and tidy that way. I was even hoping for an 11/11 delivery, which I think I would have had a fair shot at if this was a singleton pregnancy. I had figured out how grocery shopping, car seats, taking walks and bedroom furniture would work with #3. I was looking forward to a pretty run-of-the-mill pregnancy and a had reasonably high hopes for a smooth delivery, having done this twice before.

And then the midwife said "Oh my" during my ultrasound. And all my plans imploded. And the worries started filling in the vacuum left by my now-debunked plans (can we afford the extra baby gear? is our house even big enough? what if I have to have a C-section?). I know some of you will say "Aren't you glad you have 7 months to adjust to this news and that medical advances allowed you to know so soon?" And the answer is yes. Yes, I am glad. I don't know what I would do if we found out about having twins when they were delivered. But it doesn't necessarily make the news much easier to adjust to. It just means the adjustment happens sooner. It's happening now. While I'm hormonal and tired and nauseous.

I rarely use the word "stressed" to describe how I'm feeling. But I think it might just fit in this case. I'm fully aware of the many lessons God may be teaching me through this (letting go of control, submission, relying on Him, trusting Him, etc). But, given that I need these lessons because of the nature of my personality, actually learning them is not nearly as easy as recognizing them. So for now, I'm looking to rely on God and be content in His plans, but it's a journey, the pit in my stomach is still there for the time being.