Disparity

When I was pregnant, a lot (and I mean, a LOT) of people would say something like, "Oh, kids are a lot of work, but they are so worth it! You're going to love it!"

I've done this kid thing for 18 months now, so that makes me an expert, right?  ;)

I have a new understanding of what people meant. Before kids, I had this assumption that, because kids were so wonderful, all the hard work wouldn't actually seem that hard. That the good would be more abundant that the "hard," and therefore would cancel out the "hard."

That's not really how it works. In actually, the "good" and the "hard" coexist. The hard is still hard. The good is wonderful, but it doesn't cancel out or negate the challenges. They are still challenging.

I love laughing and giggling with Lucy, hearing her babble, watching her play. She is obsessed with water these days, and having her "help" do the dishes or giving her a bath is a joy.

So why, when I love those times so much, does my heart sink when I hear her wake up from a nap? And I look forward to bedtime, often with a dose of guilt for feeling that way. How can my love for my daughter be so completely overwhelming, and yet I'm so glad when Jacob gets home and takes her off my hand for a while?

It seems like this is something we don't talk about much... this feeling of relief at time away from kids. There's some acknowledgement that adult time is necessary, and it's good to get away from kids. But before you become a parent, no one ever tells you that there are times when you will desperately want to have time away... the advice seems to be given as if you're going to have to tear yourself away when you'd really like to just stay and bask in your child's company forever. (See previous post on The Witching Hour for my feelings on "basking" at the end of a day.)

How strange that I can feel such opposing emotions, sometimes simultaneously, about my child. I heard something else a lot when I was pregnant... that kids will reveal exactly how selfish you really are. Perhaps this disparity is part of that process. :)