The end of an era

As of August 1st, I will have been working at Biola in the MOL (Master's of Organizational Leadership) program for five years. My last day in the office is scheduled to be sometime around the second week of September, when I start maternity leave. I do not plan to return to work after Miss Bean is born.

While I am excited to transition into the role of stay-at-home-mom, this closing of a chapter is bittersweet. Leaving something I have invested 5 years of my life into is transition enough, but added to this is the fact that the MOL program is being phased out.

We learned of Biola's decision to close the program just one week before I learned that I was pregnant. What a dark week that was! It was hard at the time, and is still hard on occasion, to accept and understand the University's decision. There were many factors, both internal and external, that influenced the decision, and I know that it was not made lightly. I still grieve for the loss of something I have poured my heart into, though.

For the last 2 and a half years, I have worked as the recruiter for the MOL. My role has been to cultivate long-term relationships with potential students, and serve as a resource for this life-changing degree. It has been difficult to know that much of my work will go to waste, as there is no other program at Biola which can serve the needs of many of those potential students (especially those who were interested in our distance program). I also feel like I have let down those people who I had started relationships with, building up the MOL for them, and then not being able to follow through on that promise. And, I struggle with feeling like I have in some way failed the MOL program, because I could not provide the enrollment of students necessary to keep the doors open.

On top the emotions associated with the closing of the program, and feeling like I won't be leaving behind much of a legacy for having spent five years at Biola, the reality of leaving the relationships with my coworkers has been hitting home recently. I will miss the day-to-day interactions with each of them. At this point, I am the last of all the coworkers that I started with, and so have said my share of goodbyes. Each was hard, but it's different now being the one who's doing the leaving.

I'm sure all of this is being filtered through my fluctuating hormones, but much of the sadness is real and grounded in a measure of genuine grieving. I will miss the people at the MOL, and the excitement and motivation of recruiting students. This happy time of expecting a baby is certainly mixed with a sense of loss.