So, the first few days home with Lucy, while difficult and painful on a physical recovery level (which, by the way, I was TOTALLY unprepared for), were great emotionally. Even though I wasn't getting much sleep, and had gotten almost no sleep in the hospital, I was on a high that lasted days. I was even feeling a little proud of myself for escaping dreaded Baby Blues unscathed.You know how they say pride goes before a fall? The blues hit late last week. I know in my head that all these emotions are normal, but it's still hard to experience them.
I love Lucy. With all my heart. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how much I adore her.
But then sometimes I wonder why this little person needs me ALL THE TIME.
I love that even though she's no longer inside me, I can still provide nourishment, warmth and protection for her.
But then I feel guilty that I cannot provide as perfect of a home as she had inside my tummy.
I feel blessed to have a baby who (so far) doesn't cry most of the time, and seems to be pretty easy-going.
But then I get so sad when she cries and I've tried everything I can think of to soothe her, I just don't know what she wants. Especially in the middle of the night.
I feel supported and loved and cared for by my patient husband.
But then I feel guilty when her crying wakes him in the night, or when I'm sad for no reason and he doesn't know what to do for me.
Sometimes, I feel so on top of things. I have meals in the freezer to last us a couple weeks, nursing is going splendidly, I delivered a baby with no pain medications... on the due date, no less!
But then I get overwhelmed by feeling like I ought to have everything all together and figured out, and I realize that all my reading and research couldn't have prepared me for the actual experience of being a new parent. It's hard!
I empathize with Lucy (more than likely projecting too many emotions that she can't yet feel) as part of caring for her. I ache when she cries.
But at the same time, I sometimes feel strangely detached, and wonder what in me is broken that I haven't bonded like I feel I should have. The attachment is growing each day, but it certainly hasn't been instantaneous.
Sunday afternoon was particularly difficult for me. I am fortunate enough to have loving family nearby, and ended up calling my mom to see if she could come over and just reassure me (as someone who has been there) that this would eventually pass. Sometimes you just need a mom. She, of course, came right over and was a wonderful listening ear for all my conflicted emotions. I am so grateful for the mother-daughter relationship we have, and I hope that I can have that with Lucy someday.
On a side note, I've also been experiencing some severe pain in my neck, back and arm, which is at its worst when I lie down... making the few hours of sleep between nursing difficult, and probably intensifying the baby blues between the lack of sleep and constant aching. I finally went to the doctor today, and it looks like it's a strained muscle from during delivery (yes, in my arm). It's good to know that this is probably just an injury that will heal, but frustrating to not have an immediate solution for the pain (I did get a prescription for stronger pain medication, but even that seems to be largely ineffective).
I'm feeling okay tonight emotionally, and am finally taking some "me time" to blog. The act of putting my experiences into words helps me process. I'm not through the woods yet, I don't think, and will still have ups and downs in the coming days. I am blessed to have Jacob able to stay home from work and help out with Lucy, and to have family who is wiling to come over and just spend time helping out around the house. I'm looking forward to the post-baby-blues days.
Sorry for the downer post. I promise it's not all gloom around our house. I really am enjoying many precious moments with our new daughter, and experience joy in getting to know Lucy. It's just mixed with a dose of hormone-induced sadness every now and then. -sigh- The first 10 days have certainly been a roller coaster!
I always thought that when I found out I was pregnant that there would be this HUGE magical moment, that the skies would open up and angels would sing and that the warm and fuzzies would take over my body and I "would just know" when I finally was pregnant. That wasn't the case at all. When I had Noah I had a plan for labor and delivery which completely went out the window after 30+ hours of labor and 5 hours of pushing. The whole "love at first sight" thing and "the pain being gone when you hold your baby" was a load of bologna! A lot of things went wrong with delivery and in life right then, and honestly I was angry, I was sad and yet again that magical feeling that I thought would be there when I held him just wasn't. I felt like a failure. I loved him so much but that feeling of total bondedness and deep seeded love had to grow, and it has, in ways I can't even begin to tell you! Give it time, get to know her, let your mind and body heal and just remember she is a little teeny tiny person who loves you as much as she can. Keep talking about it, it really does help!
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah, thank you for putting into words what is so often unspoken. Being a momma is hard work. You have a new identity, and grasping that is no easy task. I will pray for peace and joy to overtake the dark days. Cling to the fact that these are just emotions, and vary from moment to moment. {HUGS}
ReplyDeleteYour last line says it all-10 days of incredible change. They're probably the 10 most overwhelming days of your life. Hold steady! Each week will find you on more solid ground. Call me if you need anything!
ReplyDeleteSome other things I thought of that were helpful to me early on:
ReplyDelete* Think about other people you know who lead a normal life--they go to the store, they get showers, they make dinner, they put on regular clothes. THat was helpful to me, not to make me guilty, but as a real picture that I would get through it.
* Give yourself a break in the guilt department. Because you've read all these books, you're going to feel guilty if you don't do it like the book says. I say screw it if you don't do eat-play-sleep. If you're exhausted and your baby sleeps after nursing, you're not going to ruin her for life. Once you're feeling more on your feet, you can make changes. Yes, you may wish you did things differently at times, but that is true regardless. Mothering is one big battle against guilt and pressure, so practice giving yourself a break now. NO ONE is You and Lucy Amanda--you two are a unique pair.
* Teach yourself that crying is actually okay. My Lucy was collicky for several weeks which was just exhausting and frightening. One day I realized... she's going to cry no matter what I do, so I'll do my best to be there for her, but I needed to take the pressure off myself. While a crying baby automatically gets your attention, you can start to teach yourself that she's just going to cry. You can do your best, but if you need a break and need to just put her down for a few minutes while you collect yourself, that is totally acceptable. 5 years later I am learning that kids cry A LOT. Like every day, many times a day. I promise it really does get easier. It doesn't mean you don't feel for them, you just start to learn some perspective.
Okay, again, unsolicited rambles--take or leave what works for you, friend. I'm thinking lots about you.
Having just experience the Baby Blues, here's a few things:
ReplyDelete1. Walk, walk, walk-especially right when you are sad.
2. Get out for a few minutes to have time for you without baby.
3. Have Jacob feed baby once during the night so that you get caught up with your sleep.
4. To get used to night time feedings when you are already depraved of sleep, get into a new television series and watch it. It makes the nights something to look forward to.
These things don't cure it, they just help you get through it.
Thanks, all, for your kind words. Yesterday and today have been a little better. Jacob and I did go for a walk yesterday, and that was nice. I so appreciate the care and helpful advice.
ReplyDeleteLove how you've been transparent and objective in this post. Glad to hear Jacob and family have been such a great support. I imagine with the lack of sleep, body aching, new competencies to learn, etc... that there might be more up and down days to come. Here are some good self care tips for you:
ReplyDelete~ bright light in the morning to your retinas may help your mood. try to get 20 min. of sunshine or bright light in you early in the day (you are, after all, soloar powered sarah) ;)
~ sleep when your baby sleeps
~ walks and talks with Jacob and/or sister
~ meet up with other new mothers
~ remember that like learning any new "job," it'll take some time to become a pro at it so be patient and compassionate with yourself (and also mindful that along with gain, you are experience loss as well~ validate your feelings)
~ and of course~ intimate conversation with Jesus is always helpful. If you have an audio bible, this may be good to listen to while nursing, doing laundry, etc. :)
Remember~ the best is yet to come :) and... don't beat yourself up if you feel crappy sometimes. It's bound to happen~ it's all part of the journey and will strengthen you to bring comfort to others.
Love you, praying for you.